I'm full term... two weeks to go!

Just got back from the dr. I cried the whole way home. Yep, I'm already sleep deprived with pregnancy insomnia and hormonal, so that probably had an impact on me. But I cried because the dr told me that I'd have a normal c-section and that I'd be holding my baby girl immediately after she is born... in my arms. Those words triggered something in me that just made me cry. I didn't have that with Dani and Sebastian. I didn't even get to meet them for 24 hours. I always say that I wouldn't change that experience for the world because looking back at the silver lining, it was such a precious time for me. No matter the trauma, 6 weeks in the NICU taught me so much about the value of family, life and the two gifts we have that have made us complete. I accepted that I missed that Gerber moment. I accepted that this was our birth story and wasn't meant to be like everyone else's. But to be able to have a second chance, to have a healthy child that I can welcome into my arms... it's emotional for me. It makes me sad that I didn't get that with Dani and Sebas. But it makes me cry with joy that I can look forward to that. I can't believe I am bringing another little life into this world. It is just to big to comprehend. And I can't fantasize and dream about her like I did with D&S because I know too much. I know that whatever I picture will be totally different than who she really is. I know what to expect and that it's not that romantic fantasy you have with your first, but at the same time, I know how much love I will have for her that I could have never have even dreamed about in my first pregnancy. 2 weeks to go. Getting ready, getting emotional and just waiting to hold this precious little girl in my arms. Zoe... see you real soon! xo

Am I ready for #3?

The answer is yes. When I found out I was pregnant again I had mixed feelings. I felt shocked, scared, amazed that my body was capable of getting pregnant the old fashioned way and nervous. Now, I'm just relaxed and happy. I have 7 weeks to go. I'm ready to have a bigger family. Am I ready to take care of a new born again? Is anyone? Twins and a new born does sound a bit daunting, but when I hear Daniela and Sebastian talk about their new sister, I get excited. I can't wait to see them as older siblings. They are going to be such an incredible influence on this new little life. I already think we have the greatest family in the world. I can only imagine how incredible it will be with another child. One more to love. One more to watch grow and achieve new things. One more to add happiness to our already full lives. So, to my newest daughter who I will meet in the next two months, while you were a total surprise and shock to my system, I'm am so happy to bring you into this world. I am so excited to smother you with love as I do with your brother and sister. And I can't wait to see the relationship you develop with your siblings as you grow. Take your time, don't come too soon as Daniela and Sebastian did. I want to hold you when you are born. ;) I love you already. Your mama

We love in the moment

I just went in and looked at my babies while they slept. I couldn't get over how much I loved them. I loved them right there, at their current size, looking like little angels. They have changed so much in the last 6 months. I could never imagine loving them as much when they were bigger babies. 6 months ago, I loved these two tiny little people who were just brand new. Now I love these two babies that are so different than the people they were just 6 months ago, or even 3 months ago for that moment. It's amazing how through life we become a different person through all of our different stages. I just looked at a picture of my grandmother. I have a picture of her when she was a young woman next to a picture of her when she was an elderly woman. The women looked so different, yet they were the same person. It's amazing how we grow and change through life. And it's amazing how very different we become, but how some things in life, like the love of a mother for her child will always be constant.

Paying it forward

It's been 2.5 years since the twins were born. What a ride it's been. We've gotten through the hard part, however I'm not sure which is more difficult, finding out your child has a rare growth disorder or potty training! All jokes aside, both Daniela and Sebastian are doing amazingly well considering the start they had. They are still tiny, but thriving, so for all the doctors that use phrases like "failure to thrive", you should really consider changing your terminology for future parents! Dr Kline called me yesterday and mentioned that he had a new patient that was 3 months old with RSS. He asked me if I would be comfortable calling her mother who was dealing with the emotions of discovering the diagnosis and dealing with all the feeding issues. Finally I was able to use my crazy experience to be there for someone else, something I wish I had during that first year. I spoke with the woman today. I heard her voice quiver as she was obviously holding back the tears and it brought me back to the time when I called Dr Kline daily, begging for a feeding tube. I remember sitting in Giggles and Hugs covered in vomit after feeding Sebastian in public with the hopes that all would be ok. I remember making my nanny write down every ounce he consumed as well as every ounce he disregarded post meals. We went to more drs and appointments than I could count and we were just trying to figure out what the cause of all of our issues was. I remember crying and feeling nauseous myself from the stress of feeling that my child wasn't getting basic nutrition. I never had to think of the importance of food. And feeding issues are definitely the most stressful issues you can have with a child. Not knowing was the hardest. I didn't know how he'd be developmentally. Would he crawl? Would he walk? Would he talk? Little did I know he'd be so vocal he's like a little parrot and sometimes we wish he'd tone it down a bit! Little did I know he'd be climbing, jumping, and running (well, it's a bit of a waddle, but I'll call it running!). And whoever said that all kids with RSS would have learning disabilities are wrong. He's a genius. Maybe there were some kids that just weren't as bright and their parents blamed it on RSS. Just kidding... but seriously, Sebastian is pretty cognitively advanced... bi-lingual and counting to 20 in both Spanish and English. So, this mom reminds me of how lucky we are. What we went through was scary, stressful and heart wrenching. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Because now I look at my children, both of them and I am beyond grateful. Grateful for every meal they eat, totally fine when they skip a meal, and I have patience that my mother never had... everything comes in good time. Now I sit here 29 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I'm 1 week less pregnant than when D&S were born. I know what this baby looks like. She is a real person now... just needs a bit of time to grow. I can't wait to see D & S as older siblings. I can't wait for them to look after her and protect her. And I can't wait to introduce this new baby to our amazing little unit we have. As for the c-section, I'd love to pass on that, but she has to come into the world somehow so I'll just focus on getting it over with. That was the worst experience I've had! Ugh, I don't want to go through that again. But it's worth it. So, here's to my two defiant little toddlers... doing everything they are supposed to be doing. Saying no anytime I ask them to do anything, crying when they don't get their way, wanting to do everything on their own even if it means taking 30 min longer than usual. And I'll take it! I love it. They are also cuddlers, little loves and the sweetest people in the world. Here is to silver linings, overcoming obstacles and always using your experiences in a positive way. And to any mom's out there dealing with difficult situations, you are not alone.